Miss Blonde Ambition


If You Feel Lost


I am 26, almost 27 and I still feel lost sometimes. I still feel the need to cuddle up with my stuffed animal, to pull the covers over my head and to forget about the world. Sometimes I wish I was still a child. Not that my childhood was great, it wasn't even good but being innocent and naive is something I long for.

I have spent the past 2 months in a dark sadness. I have cried at some point almost every single day. I have felt lost, like a butterfly without it's wings or a mother without her child.

I was this person, this amazing and motivated human being. I had passions and ambitions. I wanted to change the world, and to introduce my true self to everyone that I knew. Somehow I let one person take all of that away from me until I was left feeling empty and alone. I needed to hear that this person was proud of me, that they were excited for me, that I was intelligent and kind. I needed to be told that I was appreciated and wanted not for my body but for who I was. I spent 3 years waiting for that recognition, falling deeper into this relationship that I built up from nothing. A relationship that only existed in my mind.

Here I am, 3 years later, older and much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I have learned that we can't change the past, we can only learn from it. I have learned that if I could start my life over, I wouldn't. I have learned that I am strong, stronger than I ever thought I would need to be, or that I could be. I have learned that moving on and living with a roommate that I barely know isn't that scary after all.

I have learned that people will disappoint me, and that my family won't always be there for me. I have learned that my friends always will. I have learned that I am beautiful no matter what I weigh. I have learned that the scale lies and the only thing that matters is how you feel inside, and how your clothes fit. I have learned that I can do what I want..no matter what that may be.

I can join a sorority at 26 years old without anyone making fun of me. I can cut all of my hair off without asking permission. I have finally learned to be myself and become happy with who I am and where I am at this very moment.

If you feel lost...don't. There is a path that you're meant to take and right now you're on your way to something truly amazing. No I haven't found my purpose yet, I'm not even sure what it is. What I do know is that from now on I am going to take every opportunity that God places before me, and I am going to say YES.

I am going to live life without any regrets. I am going to study abroad even if it means taking out more loans to do so. I am going to have the time of my life, and embrace my new sisters and my new family at this amazing University.

Here's what I'm not going to do: I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I'm not going to not do something because I can't afford to do it. I'm not going to keep to myself based on fear of being rejected. I'm not going to keep quiet in times that I need to be loud. I'm not going to limit myself. I'm not going to fall in love with just anyone. I'm not going to stop dreaming, stop living, stop doing what I want. Most of all I'm not going to let anyone tell me that I can't do something.

This is my life, I can do anything and so can you.