Miss Blonde Ambition


What I have Learned from God Forgetting Me


A few weeks ago I helped VistaPrint with their Marketing needs. since then my life has been changed and I've been questioning so many things because life my friends is not perfect.

Here's what I have learned:

Yesterday I came to the realization that God has forgotten me, and he has forgotten me since I was born. I haven't had a blessed life, and when things are looking up I always seem to be knocked down. I have always helped myself up from the ground and I have always chosen the path that I needed to in order to move on to the next thing that eventually would knock me down as well. I was told once "you've never been through anything and your life is perfect" but the funny thing is, that this is the way that I share my life. I choose to share the good and not the bad because people don't respond well to someone who complains all the time about their life that really should be made into a Lifetime movie.

I could talk about the fact that through my entire childhood I was a victim of child abuse, and that I didn't see anything wrong with it because it was the norm. I could talk about the fact that I met my real biological father when I was 6 and that this was also the moment when I found out that the man who was raising me (and abusing me) wasn't actually my dad. I could talk about the man that approached me in the grocery store when I was in elementary school. I could talk about how I wanted to look at a table of cookies and how I left my grandmother to do so. I could talk about how he walked up next to me with his erect penis out of his pants and how I walked away confused because I had never seen one before. I could talk about the house fire I had when I was in 3rd grade and how we lost everything. I could talk about the fact that I was bullied every year that I was in school except for 11th and 12th grade, that I was hit and kicked in the back, that I was called fat and made fun of because of my clothes. I could tell you that drugs destroyed my family 3 times, the last was when my brother overdosed and died on Christmas day. I could talk about my eating disorder that started when I was 9 years old that developed after my father put me in a hospital because I couldn't behave. I could talk about the fact that I have been in more toxic relationships than I can count, the fact that I was married and divorced before I was 27 years old, and the fact that I was assaulted and raped. I could tell you about the chronic illness that makes me deathly allergic to anything and everything, specifically fragrances like perfume and cleaners which has stopped me from working in an office, at a library, or even a grocery store and how that has put a financial strain on my life. I could talk about how my life has been sh*t my friends, but I focus on the good because that's what people want to see.

I have been sitting here for the past few weeks trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, where I want to live and who I want to be. Listening to Jenna Kutcher's podcast (why haven't I done this sooner?) I have realized a few things:

You are never too old or young to follow your dreams

Cubicle life and only working for other people will never be for me

I have always been an entrepreneur, ever since I stood at the front of our driveway trying to sell bubbles out of a wheelbarrow with my brother

I am better than the hand that I have been dealt and I am worth more.

Now I am sitting here and turning this supposed to be Facebook post into a blog post because my words and lessons need to be shared. When you look at me, when you meet me, when you get to know me you won't see the scars that life has left but instead, you will see a happy person. I was once told that people are intimidated by me because I am too nice, which was a weird concept for me. My entire life I have chosen to share joy and love, happiness and kindness because it's what I wish people showed me my entire life. I think that for me I treated others how I wanted to be treated because I was desperate for just one person to return kindness and compassion.

Today I am saying "NO MORE" to this hand that has been dealt and I am taking my life into my own hands. I have a new beauty company that I launched on Etsy, that I am transitioning to this website and this spring into open markets and farmers markets in my area. Today I am using my Vistaprint money to purchase a folding table, brown paper bags for customers, a tablecloth and a few other necessities. Today I am taking charge because in a month when all of my money is gone because I don't have an income and I have too many bills I don't want to be left on the ground like the dirt beneath my feet. 

I will Rise and friends so will you.