How My Thyroid Disease Took Over My Life
As I am writing this post, I am sitting in my floral printed towel still dripping from my second shower. I showered this morning, tried on 3 different outfits, applied mascara and broke down in tears. It wasn't my usual "that time of the month" sobbing, but a broken down I can't do this anymore kind of cry. I literally grabbed my stomach and repeated over, and over and over again "I hate who I am". I then proceeded to rip off my clothes and put on Insanity, after asking God why he made me this way. I can remember a time when I was thin, not just a little thin but nicely thin- if that's a thing, and yet still curvy. I can remember being happy with who I was, proud to walk around in tank tops and beyond confident. I can remember being in high school, always grabbing seconds at dinner even if it was pasta. After a year of finally losing all of the weight I had carried for many years, my life changed and I was diagnosed with thyroid disease. My pants were a little tighter not too much just enough to create a mini muffin top. My cheeks grew rounder and my body filled out, only to the point where I had reached 165 pounds. My hair started to thin, and then fall out until my cocker spaniel locks were those of a tiny shih tzu. I was placed on thyroid medication, which started the most difficult battle of my life. My moods were changing with each passing moment, and I became a terrible friend. I would get upset with everyone, in most cases for no reason at all. My nails became fragile, my skin dry and patchy and my appetite changed. Fast forward 7 years and here I am with Hashimoto's disease, a severe thyroid disorder. I am no longer the happy teen that I once was, I am no longer thin and no longer love who I am. I have started taking Biotin, to grow my hair which surprisingly has changed its appearance significantly. I am exhausted. I am so tired of gaining weight and then losing it, and not being able to eat the foods that I love...even if they are healthy. I can't consume almonds, soy, broccoli, kale, spinach and everything including gluten. This past June(2014) I was a proud and beautiful 165 pounds, which I worked hard on just in time for my college graduation. It is now October(2014) and I weigh 10 pounds more than I did just 4 months ago. I can't seem to keep the weight off, and I can't hide the fact that I am exhausted, literally and mentally and physically exhausted. I am over the ultra sounds on my thyroid, on my medication, of not being able to eat foods that everyone else can, I am over HAVING to workout every single day because I have to. I think above all I am tired of trying on clothes and seeing nothing but lumps and rolls where they shouldn't be. I needed to workout, to get out my frustrations and to kick start my new life. In the process I have missed my college class this morning, which I am ashamed of but my mental health actually appreciated. I have decided to make a promise to myself, to finally change my life. I promise to myself to keep the sweets hidden, and my mouth full of good food. I promise to myself to workout every day, even if for 10 minutes. I promise to myself to take my medication on time, each time I take it. I promise to myself to go to sleep at 9, no matter how much I want to watch Netflix. I promise to take care of myself, my mental health, my physical health and my spiritual health no matter what. I promise to work hard, even if I hate my job just until my dream is realized. I promise to be happy with my life, to live it with full intent and to love.
Have you ever had a breakdown such as the one I have experienced, what got you through it? Please feel free to share your story, who knows you just may inspire others to keep holding on.